miracles (:

Orange dress

2012-02-13T22:34:00.001+08:00

That's what I wore today, bought at city hall with my dear councillors. Nice colours, I love bright warm colours because they suit me well.

Anyway met up with Juliana since like forever. The last time we met up to just go walk around is like during sec4. So we went to Sakae as usual and we stayed for like 1.5hrs talking and slacking. Then we walked bugis street like with no interest in anything do after walking one round around level 2&3 we went back to bugis junction and walked around aimlessly while waiting for Jocelyn to come.

Me: Juu, I want ice cream but very expensive
Ju: & you want to lose weight so don't buy, I stop you!
Few seconds later
Me: Juu, I want ice cream!
Ju: okay, where? We go buy

Today I was being slightly or more than slightly bitchy to Jocelyn. Hahaha! But it was fun because the inner bitch in her retaliate so Juliana was like errrr, why you all fighting! LOL.

We took neoprints. I'm really happy today. Thanks dear friends (:

Work work work

2012-02-09T23:26:00.001+08:00

Work has been great minus the part where I kept having to fuss over what to wear. It's been slackish lately because there isn't much work coming from the teachers especially today when all I did was slack, eat, sleep, play and read book. Crazy one! It's really fun with all my favourite councillors working and lunching together, love them much!

I've been shopping a lot lately and Jocelyn called me a shopaholic which I totally disagree please! ): it's like I'm shopping just to compensate for the non shopping in jc life. And really, it's not as if I bought a lot of stuff. I bought 2 dresses, 3 cardigans (of 2 that costs 10$), one bag over the span of like 2 weeks /: I'm stopping myself already ):

Watched chronicles with Joyce after a long long long time of not watching movies. It was not bad, as in slightly boring at first but it is damn exciting at the end when he just went crazzzy. His death looks like one in the final destination 4 though!

Okay, need to sleep early if not I can't wake. Goodnight

Siri!

2012-01-31T01:43:00.001+08:00

I think I'm getting an iPhone4S tomorrow. The thing that gets me really excited is that I can finally put on my stitch cover!!!!!!!!!

IM WAITING PATIENTLY

Triple joy

2012-01-26T03:43:00.001+08:00

Just something to perk me up. I saw a triple rainbow in Taiwan! It was beautiful! Like it's drizzling and all and we were in the cab then we saw just one beam of sunshine on the little part of the mountain where everywhere else are covered with dark clouds. Then we saw triple rainbow! It looked so magical! (:

So these few days been mahjong and poker and blackjack and song of goodies. I'm meeting Jocelyn and Jiayi tomorrow, okay later, so I'm a happy girl now. Then Friday I'm meeting my class clique+Junwei and I'm quite excited too! :D

Monday will be working day. I hope I don't over or under dress! And may it turn out well and not awkward!

说一套做一套

2012-01-22T18:39:00.001+08:00

It's cny eve, was feeling very excited for tomorrow and having fun because dad says cny cannot angry cannot quarrel. Yet, he freaking got so pissed off for idk what reasons, making mum pissed off and now there's a domino effect. Why can't people just stop and chill and stop all the god damn screaming and scolding so we will have a good cny? Why must there be a chain reaction? Just let dad go crazy and let's not make everyone feel awful. Weird.

Okay, anyway HongKong was freezing. The temperature sucks ): We went to shop at 女人街! Can bargain till quite crazy but don't over-do it because they also have one limit one. Anyway must must try 许留山's drinks! They're superb!
And oh! I saw a photo on tumblr, a stitch Handphone cover. Told myself I want it and since I saw it I bought it! I saw the girl version so I bought too! 2 for 150 which is about $25? I really like it though. Sister bought a hello kitty one which was really special, only one shop along the whole long long street sells, it's like 150 also. Special though! Online also never sell

Then went Oceanpark! Go already must try the best ride! Which was hair raiser then mine train. The others look cool and scary but it's like nothing much one! Don't ever try eagle, I freaking felt like puking every single thing out and it made me so giddy to continue so I went to watch show with cute dolphins and seals! Sister dragged brother to Flash though! Brother freaked out! Hahaha. Among all three, daring to play games level is sister > me > brother! Then we realised is sister never think of there's any chance of machine breaking down and have accident. Hahaha.

Went to McDonald's! There's this card costing HK$12! Very cheap! This card you buy something from set A you get something free from set B, unlimited use. We only kept buying Mcfloat! And one Mcfloat cost about HK$12.60 so like we bought 5 times. After counting we obviously earn back uh. McDonald's there also very nice! Try the nuggets and mcwings. Damn nice! And oh, must use hot mustard sauce. Best!

Oh must try their 奶皇流沙包 it's seriously seriously seriously superb
Photos next time. Till then. Bye!

You never do

2012-01-20T03:23:00.001+08:00

You keep scolding me, or as you say it just saying me, because of sister or brother when I'm not in the wrong only makes me feel worthless. Yes, protecting brother is your duty as a mum but in the process hurting me I think isn't part of it. I'm sorry, I'm born with more brains but does that make it seem to you all that I use that to my advantage and exploit my own siblings? Does it mean that I'm more arrogant and I am ungrateful? Does it mean that I'm always using other people and not appreciating people? What am I to you all? Why don't you all think how hurtful your words are, especially yours, mum. I don't even know how we became so distant, so much like strangers who don't understand each other or even try. We used to be the closest among all my siblings and you. Yes, I can see that you dote on me the most in a lot of occasions but the everyday actions are those that count more. Those words coming out of your mouth directed to me are getting worse. I really feel that you don't think of me as a daughter anymore. Soon I will lose you. I don't know how you think and how you feel but do you know I cry like everytime you side sister or brother for what I did no wrong about? How I cry whenever I get accused and get attacked by your string of the most hurtful words?
I hate how you all keep saying I exploit them and I use my own family members. I can't choose what I'm born with and you all seem to have a hard time coping with me, coping to accept me. Nothing of me seems like its just a part of me. Everything bad have to be eliminated. But you never know, I'm not a robot, you just can't delete a characteristic from the system from me. I'll never be good enough for you all, a strength will be turned into something worthless and a weakness will be exposed so readily. When will I feel protected?

What did I do wrong? What went wrong?

Figment of my imagination

2012-01-19T11:58:00.001+08:00

I guess you are not who I thought you were/want you to be. I wasn't important to you as you were to me. Ending it this way isn't what I hoped for but it is a good one because I finally told myself that I should give up and let go. I just didn't know who you were and I'm so so glad it ended like this.

On a side note, I went to HongKong for these few days. I will update some random stuff later on.

I miss fantastic4! Hehe! Was smsing Joyce yesterday and we talked about some memories! I realised I really miss spending time with them ): I sure new to meet them soon (:

Undeserving

2012-01-11T09:19:00.001+08:00

I was just thinking about results again, sigh, I need to stop. But yeah, this time I'm just thinking if I deserve some grades. If Physics and don't have A, I'll be quite sad, maybe add in Chem if luck look upon me. If Econs turns out to be A too, I'd feel that I'm undeserving of it. Same goes to GP, if I could get a B, I'd be jumping for joy but I know, I really don't deserve it.

Sigh, don't even know why I'm thinking of all these when it's still like about 2 months away from our results day.

Anyway, I'm thinking of changing my blogskin because it's boring. But it's nice because it's so simple and contains all my favourite colours in such a simple and beautiful way. Should I change? Sigh

She's the man

2012-01-10T09:02:00.001+08:00

Finished the movie. Yes, very lag. But it's such a nice movie and it's so awesome (: I like like Amanda and the guy, okay, Channing Tatum! Hahah! They look soooo cute individually and together :D

On a side note, why is it that people can find their true love at the right time and in such a fast time? Sigh, movies will always remain as movies

New year resolutions

2012-01-10T06:43:00.003+08:00

This post is 10 days late but who cares :p

2011 has been a year full of horrendous mugging.
I'm so glad, so so glad I had my friends to be there for me, to go through all these together and cheer each other on. They are those that made me survive 2011.

Class clique for always going crazy with me in school, making lessons much more fun and less torturous, making me look forward to every day in school, always listening to my whines, always making my days brighter, always allowing me to be myself, allowing me to act like a childish crazy kid. They simply helped me in surviving school (: Love them much!

Bestfriends to pull me through the days which I'm very down, to encourage me to not give up, to complain together that life sucks and to study together with. They are really always by my side and those who never once not believe in me, for that, really thank you (:

Council dearies and especially Chinny for helping me find more meaning in my TJ life, who made me feel that these 2 years aren't wasted and who make me feel there's a second family for me (:

My wednesday lunch clique! Hehe, wednesday couldn't be complete without spending that lunch time with you all (:

2011 has been also filled with so much mure problems with friends, so much friendship problems that plagued me and troubled me like mad, and thank you Joyce especially to listen to all my friendship shit everytime in class and then for not hating me when teachers scold us for crapping too much. Heehee! But 2011 has shown me what life was really all about, has shown me who my true friends were and has shown me that life in TJ isn't all wasted if I've gained so much good things (:

Random memories:
Thank you Joyce and Yeeching for the lyrics writing to keep me awake
Thank you Eugene for surviving Physics lessons with me
Thank you class clique for trying to keep me awake in all lectures
Thank you class clique for all the food and Bridge games
Thank you class clique for those spontaneous movie outings!!
Thank you Jocelyn for making time to meet me everytime (:
Thank you Weijie for those crazy outings
Thank you Jiayi for surviving those tuition classes together
Thank you Chinny for being so uberly nice to me even after our fight

Okay, 2012 already. New year resolutions!

#1 I will be happy as much as possible
#2 I will remain friends with class clique, council dearies, sec2clique, bestfriends & Forever10
#3 I will make new awesome friends

That will do. Simple but complicated.

Taiwan

2012-01-10T06:28:00.003+08:00

Well, been at Taiwan from 5-8Jan.

First day was an ultra slacky day. I got greeted by freezing weather and horrible strong winds. Then the driver uncle came to find us at the hotel and he brought along a plate of roasted duck! I swear, it's the nicest roasted duck I have ever eaten and it's the best thing I've ate throughout the entire trip! It's like fabulous fantastic delicious wonderful heavenly! No exaggeration done here!

Second and Third day is mostly spent in the mountains praying. Keep getting giddy and feeling like vomitting when we are traveling up or down the mountain. Then I had an awesome way to lessen my giddiness which is to stare at the GPS system thing. It really worked!! :D It was worse in the mountain because both days were raining so yeah, there were really thick mist and the third day, every word we say, there are those mist coming out from our mouths, even when we breathe in and out we can see! Crazy cold weather! Thank god they have those big charcoal pots where we literally sat around it and totally refused to move! Thinking of the weather makes me scared now even! O:

Third night we went to Xi Men Ding for like an hour. There isn't anything much to shop for so we only bought food, don't ask for souvenirs because I didn't even buy any for myself! Lol! Then last day we went to Dong Men Ding. Surprising eh? I didn't know such place existed and the uncle said that it was more famous than Xi Men Ding to the Taiwanese. We went there in he afternoon so there isn't anything to shop but the shops seriously look better than those in Xi Men Ding! Hahah! So we drank bubble tea. The Xie Jiao Ting where Parkway also have one? They sell one cup like for 40 which is like only $1+ and the size of the cup which is the one and only normal size in Taiwan is the large cup in Singapore. Seriously, Singapore bubble teas are overcharging ridiculously!

Okay, talk about the food! If you go Taiwan, please try the hot, YES HOTTTTT, grass jelly! Must add the yam balls! It's super delicious and I almost wanted to eat two bowls of it! And it's seriously damn good especially if the weather is uber cold! Do try it okay! And oh, if you want to eat 鸡排, buy at 排客one! It's much better than 士林's! And oh, please say very very very very little chilli because we tried the 中辣 which was the normal one and it's killing everyone's throat except the Taiwanese's. 小辣 was normal for chilli lovers but obviously I can't take it. Then we tried the no chilli one, very very nice but no chilli seems weird. So I have decided, the next time I'm going, I'm going to try 小小辣! Heh (:

To end off my post, I love this driver! He is like brother with my dad already, 4-5 trips all he fetching. And he's a gangster eh! Like my dad says he got broken bones here and there and some battle scars. But he sort of became inactive because he got a daughter who is like 10 now I think! I asked dad if he quit the gang already but dad said he said that cannot quit one, so only be those inactive one O: But still, he is really awesomely nice and funny!

Okay, byebye! (:

Out of reach

2012-01-09T17:45:00.001+08:00

Hi, been so long since I've ranted. Taiwan trip shall wait. I'm here now because I'm so scared now. Did some thinking and I got quite afraid quite worried now.

What if my A Level results allow me to apply for law but I can't get into any local universities because I can't pass any interview or selection test? Then I have to go some University at Sunderland where I'm going to freeze my ass off.

Or what if my results are so lousy that I can't even apply for local universities and I have to go straight to Sunderland.

Or what if my results are so shitty that I can't even go the university at Sunderland? I have to retake and fight with smarter and more hardworking juniors?

Or what if I can go into local universities but I can't survive in one?

Too many worries, too many regrets ):

Before it all ends

2011-12-31T21:58:00.001+08:00

Last year, tomorrow, I wrote this:

This year, much different.
I got to study real damn hard, no more disappointments ever.
I got to not sleep in lectures, do all my homework, fork out extra time to mug, and be a total mugger (:
I got to stay close or get closer to my family.

I studied, I could say, better than 2010
I tried my very best to stay awake in lectures, and did for most I guess. I did almost all homework except maybe econs...? But I did some though!
Didn't really but I'm compensating with my holidays with them. Stuck at home forever!

So. A few more hours to 2012. New year, not a new me, but will be trying out for a happy year. I'll be back in a few hours then (:

balanced

2011-12-30T18:41:00.003+08:00

From: http://www.astrology.com/libra-sun-sign-zodiac-signs/2-d-d-66946

Libra is the seventh sign of the zodiac, and it's at this point in the zodiac that we start to see a shift. While the first six signs of the zodiac focus on the individual, the last six focus on the individual's contact with others and with the world.

Libras are first and foremost focused on others and how they relate to them. We can call this the sign of Partnership with a capital 'P' because these folks do not want to be alone! For a Libra, everything is better if it's done as a pair. Libras are good when paired up, too, since they epitomize balance, harmony and a sense of fair play. While they are true team players at work, their favorite partnership is at home: marriage. Libras feel most complete when they are coupled up with their lover, forever.

It's the Scales that symbolize Libra, and just like that balancing mechanism wants to stay even, Libras want to be on an even keel. Think of the Scales of Justice and how they work at striking the right balance. Likewise, Libras are objective, just and want to do what's best for everyone. It's possible, though, that this penchant for fairness is for a different reason: Libras abhor conflict. The scales study every possible angle in the hopes of achieving peace and harmony, so much so that others may see them as fickle and indecisive. If that's what it takes to avoid a confrontation, that's fine with the Scales.

The Libra-born are keen strategists, organizing groups with poise and getting the job done (in keeping with the Cardinal Quality assigned to this sign). Further, you can expect the Scales to be companionable, sociable folks.

Libra is ruled by Venus. In ancient Roman mythology, Venus was a smooth seductress who was at her best amid pleasurable excess. Well, Libras are certainly carrying the torch for her today. The Scales are cultured, refined and love beautiful things. Most of all, they love beautiful people, which is why Libras do so well at cocktail parties or at the theater, opera or ballet. Those born under this sign always have the right thing to say and know how to make others feel comfortable. Suave? You bet. Libras are so adept at charming conversation that they need to be mindful of overstepping their boundaries and appearing vain or gossipy (the Scales do love intrigue). When these folks are on their game, however, they are a pleasure to be with. Libras are artistic, stylish and enjoy creating a beautiful world. The converse of this is that bored Libras can become apathetic and lazy -- but they'll smile anyway.

The element associated with Libra is Air, and that means reaching higher, specifically to the higher mind. Libras like to put their mind to good use, and enjoy communicating their thoughts to others. They like to use their smarts (and talk) to get to know others better -- yes, knowledge about people is where it's at for Libras. You can expect the Scales to make a fair argument, too, since they live by the principles of diplomacy and compromise. When this approach doesn't work, however, Libras are not above using their persuasive charms to get their way. Manipulative? Nah, Libras really are too nice for that. Plus, any end-runs that these folks use are usually to build themselves up, since the Scales can be easily deterred. Libras are polite and don't like to fight, far preferring to talk things through. Remember, these folks know how to communicate (they're Air) so they're bound to make their point. Libras don't get in a huff when faced with an opposing viewpoint. Rather, they take a deep breath and consider all the options in the spirit of cooperation.

Libras at play may not be as energized as at work, if you call socializing work (and the Scales do). That's why exercise for Libras needs to have a social component to it, such as that found at a gym. Alternatively, Libras love the outdoors, so riding and biking can also prove fun. They also love the colors of the sunset sky, that melding of ivory, pink and light blue. In the game of love, Libras are a bundle of energy, romantic and loyal to the core. The Scales need to be on the lookout for their lower backs, though, which tend to shoulder any burdens they may be carrying. The great strength of the Libra-born is their quest for fairness, peace and harmony. That the Scales are the great diplomats of the zodiac further helps their case. A beautiful journey this will be, thanks to the Libra's inimitable sense of style.

Frozen

2011-12-30T18:27:00.003+08:00

It's like more than ten days since I've blogged, I don't even know why's that so because I'm apparently very free at home doing nothing and just slacking around nuaing on the sofa and anywhere I can.

I'm so pissed at my sister now because she says having me as a younger sister is damn unlucky just because I told her that plaiting her hair or not doesn't make a difference. She is pissed because she says I'm not giving any opinion to help her but the fact remains that it doesn't really make a difference so I asked her to choose herself whichever she likes best. The funny part is that she has been taking like more than 1 hour to prepare for a god damn 3 hours dinner with her friends. Exaggerated much? And guess what, I helped her dye her hair yesterday which stained my clothes. And oh, I was the one who is supposed to help her plait her hair. And all I deserve is that she's unlucky. UGH

Okay, random things because I'm seriously bored and there isn't any major activities in my life except that I had a gathering at home with family friends on 24th Dec and it's the first time we are celebrating Christmas just for the sake of celebrating things and that I first time got to eat turkey, decorate christmas tree, made balloon flowers and swords and plaited waterfall braids. Cool much.

I have fringe that is covering my spectacles now which means it is half as long as my face and, it's bangs. First time I see my fringe so long, going to cut it real real real soon!

I'm going to start watching Gossip Girl from where I left from in Sec4. Hopefully I can remember some of the satories because I do not wish to rewatch it again

And oh, I got myself a job as the project assistant in TJ, math one. All thanks to Mrs Goh. And I only start work on 30Jan and I already like informed her I have two overseas trip in Feb and March and they still allowed me to work. How good can it get? Heh!

Meanwhile, I'm missing my councillors and class clique especially. All the Tuesday Bridge games we've played and all the insane laughter. Despite all the mugging, I guess the life in school is much better than the life I am living now which is awfully boring the hell out of me. Sigh.

unwavering

2011-12-16T20:59:00.002+08:00

I don't know why I keep falling for the same crap over and over again even after telling myself I will not be so stupid and I will be stronger after each fall. I still choose to believe you, I still choose to believe in our friendship. Even after each fall, my faith in our friendship never seems to waver and I have absolutely no idea why I think like that. I want to tell you the truth so damn badly but I know I can't and if I do, the situation will get worse. Tell me what to do now?
Why can't you provide some sense of consistency?

Third

2011-12-13T22:03:00.003+08:00

Third day started off with me having a damn cranky mood because I didn't sleep enough and I was just annoyed with anything :/ But went to Kamala Beach! The sand is much finer than that of Pattaya's! And that the seawater is so damn salty. Hahah! I was having the float and keep waiting for waves to come! I experienced 2 HUGE waves until I was covered in the water and I felt as if I floated up! Damn shiok! Experienced 2 big waves when I was just sitting and the impact was so huge such that I freaking rolled on my sides in the end which was so damn painful. Gosh. Played like mad before going back hotel!Then now I'm outside, finished the target shooting thing which only uncle and cousin played and I didn't because it's boring...? Then went to outlet! Those that is from factory kind, off season but then cheaper! I'm a happy kid because I bought new nike sport shoes!! About $90? Everyone say the colour I chose very weird, it's black and orange. But I like funny and weird colours! Then I saw a colourful Adidas hat. Don't really look nice on me, but I just had to get it! Besides it cost about $15? So I thought quite worth it! Heh! So I'm a happy girl right now :D

On the way to dinner! (: On a side note, here's 6pm looks like 7+pm. It gets darker here faster! And oh, I plaited my sister's hair a bit and I think it looked awesome so I plaited a bit of mine too. Hahaha!

-----

McDonald's here have a samurai pork burger but weirdly it doesn't taste good...? I think I fell asleep after dinner such that when my siblings called me to go play pool I objected damn strongly. I can't remember but heard that's what happened. I think I played too much! Oh, before dinner was playing in the pool again! Hahah! Dad bought a small tiny boat float to play and we keep trying to keep it from capsizing while trying to have 3 people sitting on it. Successful for one lap :D

Ohoh! I just found out that the weight capacity of the boat was supposed to be 43kg only. Even I alone exceed it, miracle how we had 3 people inside eh!

Second

2011-12-12T21:44:00.001+08:00

Just showered after coming out from the pool (:

Today woke up early to go for Adventure Tour! :D Went with a group of 8 other Australians, didn't talk much but cool trip! We went to the Monkey Cave/Temple first! It's like pretty because it's all like just nature and only few man made stuff. Simple and nice (: didn't see much monkeys as expected though!

Elephant trekking. Thought it would be boring because we sat elephants for like 3 times already? But I swear it's so different because it's trekking through those forest area! We sat on the seat while my brother sat on the neck there. Heh! Our elephant is damn good and damn jumpy so we keep screaming because the ride is so unstable but fun! She's uber cute! And she even sprayed water when crossing the stream. Heh! Dad, cousin and uncle's elephant is slow and steady and less fun of course. And she even avoided all the mud and water. Clean freak! Heh! We fed our elephants respectively and ours even said thank you! FREAKING CUTE! It put one leg in front of the other and lift its truck up and bend down and give the trumpet sound! 3 times! Only ours did out of like 6 elephants our group rode? Dad says cause it's very trained and we treated it very good and nicely, we keep calling our brother to pet its head (: Cute jumpy fellow (: I saw a drop of water drop from its eyes, dk if it cried when walking away or jump dripping water. Hahah!
Anyway sad lives of elephants, if tourists don't feed bananas, they just eat all the grass there ):

Next was white water rafting! Damn fun because we keep screaming and the two guys following us keep wanting to bang into rocks thinking my dad don't understand Thai. But my dad understood and prevented them. Hahah! Less fun but more safety! Heard a woman fell and broke some bones and got sent to the hospital? Gosh. It's not as fun because the water not fast, maybe too many rafts on the river already so less fast! The australians from another boat with paddles keep splashing us at the end when we met! Annoying madness! Wet and fun!

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PART I TELL YOU! It is like ATV! FREAKING FUN AND COOL AND THRILLING! At first I'm paired up with uncle supposed to just sit at the back. Until I realised >16 can ride alone already. Told the guy I'm 18 and he laughed thought I was joking just because I wanted to ride alone. Until dad told him in Thai it's true then the guy got a freaking huge shock! Hahah! But me and sister got people follow and help us! Thank goodness the guy following me is damn fun! He keep laughing at whenever we go bumpy roads cause we both will jump up and down then if I suddenly press the accelerator too much and he kena swung forward he will look at me and laugh. Dk how to explain but very fun lah, cause like someone experiencing the ride with you and enjoying together instead of just riding. And he helped me to prevent all the mud holes which are gross but those dry potholes he will let us go over so we will get all the bumpy fun rides. Then he took over for one part where you can turn around free and easy! I sat behind and he freaking drifted! FREAKING FAST AND I ALMOST FLEW OUT BUT IT WAS FREAKING THRILLING LIKE MAD AND HE DRIFTED LIKE 5,6 TIMES. Only I get to enjoy the fun of it! COOL OR WHAT? Only bad is he don't let me go too fast at the start which is reasonable lah, cause scared I lose control! But love the ride and all. One part he let me turn myself. And it's a Uturn. On my right was a freaking cliff. If I can't control I will fall off it I swear. I went very slow :p Haha! Then he ran towards me to help me but I managed to turn it well and he gave a thumbs up! Heh! I LOVE ATV LIKE MAD I SWEAR! THE GUY IS THE BOMB BECAUSE HE IS SO DAMN FUN AND HE MADE MY RIDE SO DAMN FUN TOO! At the end he made some fast drifts again! Awesome!! Oh got one part is a steep downslope. Didn't want to brake so much but he was like "BRAKE BRAKE BRAKEEEEEEEE" cause if not he might fly out since he was standing. LOLOLOL much. The guy is really damn awesome, better than my sister's one who is less fun and more safe and steady!

Then went to some waterfall. A small one! The water is soooooooo cold! But cool! Hehehe! Relaxing max! (: Then we ended our tour. And and and and and......IM STILL CRAZING OVER THE ATV! but I know once is enough, more and it will get boring! Hahah!

Now on the way to dinner after jumping in the freezing cold pool at hotel! I was like "stop shooting my heeeaaadddddd" with teeth clattering! Heh. Tired but happy!

ATV IS DAMN AWESOME I SWEAR GO TRY IT! AND IF YOU GET A DAMN AWESOME GUY LIKE MINE YOU WILL GET A DAMN FUN RIDE!!!!!!! Okay byee. Tomorrow will be more of a relaxing day (:

ATV!!!!! CAN YOU SEE MY LOVE FOR IT? Heh!

First

2011-12-11T23:26:00.001+08:00

I'm typing this on the plane because I'm so sleepy and I keep yawning but I just can't sleep! So weird! Anyway the flight was supposed to depart at 8.25 and we rushed a lot because at 8.00 they wrote that gate closing. Then we thought we were the last passengers but there were even later passengers than us. Ugh. Then we waited because of congestion and all. Guess what time we finally take flight? 9.23! Like close to one hour late! So waste time ):
I'm looking out the window now and it's stupid because all I can see is bright sunlight with clouds and all. There's NOTHING else to see and it's so bright I closed the window thing. Annoyed. I'm really sleepy! I'm gonna try sleeping again! I can't wait to reach Phuket and check into hotel and start playing :D

Family Trip!
--------

Okay. I'm gonna sleep so quick update it shall be :D We played in the pool after eating! This hotel is PLAIN AWESOME! It's a villa we are living in! Dad says the penthouse sucks because it is like a condo! The villa got more holiday feel (: And this has an ultra large private pool! Cool max.

This is just the lobby area with the public swimming pool!

Horrible hair due to the chlorine in the pool ):

So we played like 2,3 hours before resting then go out to eat. Pizza Company's is seriously damnnnnnnn good I swear! Square pizza! :D okay goodnight (:

Hi Phuket

2011-12-11T04:54:00.001+08:00

4 more hours to my flight to dearest Phuket which I have been preparing and waiting for. Heh. I just can't wait and I hope this trip will turn out to be better than perfect.

I always doubt myself because of you.

I miss us

2011-12-09T23:00:00.001+08:00

I really do miss spending time with you. I miss talking to you casually. I miss having heart to heart talks with you. I miss the comfortable silence between us. I miss being happy with you. I miss our endless mindless talks. I miss the endless crazily fast messaging with you. I miss us. I really do.

For the relationships I miss. Not only with one, but with a few people.
Why am I such a failure with relationships with others? ):

Royale de Paris

2011-12-09T22:02:00.001+08:00

Last night was grad night. The whole night I wasn't really enjoying myself because of my annoying low cut dress and contacts which made me feel very uncomfortable and parents rushing me home ):

But all in all, I love to see my friends being different thought just for one night. I love the feeling of being with so many councillors all at once. I really do love councillors a lot (: And this year! The food is not bad! :D And oh! Junwei really won the prom king title eh! So many girls queued up for him! So tradition of climber being prom king and dancer (this year Nicole) being prom queen still stays!

Photos up soon, till I find my cable.

Anyway I'm sad because I can't wear those princessy dresses. They just don't suit me ): My life's sad. So two proms, I've been wearing classy dress which are boring. I don't like dressing up. Sigh.

I did not lose you, I just lost myself

2011-12-05T17:50:00.001+08:00

I had an awesome day spent with Jocelyn today (: Thank you for your lovely thoughtful present. Best I've ever received.

Despite A's being over, I'm still stuck home because dad wants to spend more time with us to compensate for the past 2 years of my studying and not being able to spare much time. I accept that. But keeping me home for soooooo many days except Friday which I want to school, makes me go nuts. Especially when I'm only supposed to play board games with siblings and dad. Sigh. I need some time to spend on myself, spend with my friends. Whatever it is, I'm gonna get a job during Jan and use it as excuse to run, run away.

It's so hard to stage plays after plays. But now you want it not as an act but as a truth, it makes it harder. I'm so sick of living in shadows and fear and everything I'm not. I just can't be myself . Dread again. Dragging again.

Picture perfect

2011-11-27T20:27:00.001+08:00

If you dk my tumblr or have no twitter. Here are the photos I'm loving (:

Decided that my blog is looking too wordy so a picture post it shall be. I love the shoes and dress in the photos below (: Heh.

You are the apple of my eye

2011-11-27T19:44:00.002+08:00

So I caught 那些年，我们一起追的女孩 on Wednesday with Jocelyn. It's quite funny how she said at the counter "Erm, you are the apple of my eye" Hehe! So we walked around aimlessly after I get to eat my Popeye's mash potato! It's those moments where you have nothing to do and you have no idea what to do and you just keep walking for the sake of walking. It's quite bad because I hate feeling so directionless. Nevertheless, we managed to waste a lot of time before the movie started.

Have to say the movie was really not bad. I would rate 4.5 stars out of 5 maybe and the half star is gone because the movie had actually more sick parts than necessary. And I've read like 20 chapters of the book and I have to say that the book is much much much better because it actually showed more of how he loved her and the process of them falling in love. It's not as quick and fast as in the movie. But maybe it is also I expected too much out of the movie because everyone has been saying about how great it was. It's slightly disappointing. Nonetheless, a good movie. Cried especially at the end how he kissed the groom, actually showed how much he love her.

Sad that they didn't end up together but it's really realistic. How actually 2 people can be in love and seemed to be meant for each other but they just met and fell in love at the wrong timing. How 2 people can love each other so dearly but cannot end up with each other due to various reasons. How 2 people may like each other but when they get into a relationship, it will be totally different. That actually makes me lose a little hope in love but yet gain some. Irony? Yeah I think so. Because looking at those long lasting couples, how magical it was for them to meet and fell in love at the same time, at the right time and maintain it for years to come but how difficult it must have been to meet such a person. And reading so many books and seeing so many movies, maybe some just stayed on because they are so used to each other instead of loving each other like the way they used to.
Sigh, whatever it is, I just hope I will meet the right man (:

On a side note, I like the male lead! He's really cute and when he said he will still look handsome after he is bald, he really do! Heh!

Need a lil less difference

2011-11-25T01:06:00.001+08:00

You can't expect me to be smiley all the time, you can't expect me to tolerate every single shit you throw to me, you can't expect me to never throw a temper or to never be frustrated with anyone. You can't expect me to be a saint.
Yet you did and still do.

Holidays don't mean freedom or happiness anymore. It meant more restrictions and more frowns. It meant more tolerance and more faking smiles. Ruining things that mean something or made me happy seems to be your hobby. You love to irritate me and ask why I look so annoyed. You love to impose rules on me. You love to restrict me. You love to manipulate me, my life and everything around me. Don't use a thin veneer to mask away all the restrictions. Because when someone probe and threaten to tear it down, you get defensive. Cause that's the manipulative side of you. The scheming side of you.

Tell me. How to feel not like a puppet, a toy, a tool, something that's just not human in here?

Wish I could go overseas school. Escape from all these. Maybe I'll regret but it's what I want now.

the things you've said without thinking

2011-11-20T05:11:00.004+08:00

Ask why I still hang on to the past
Ask why I think that my sec4 results are not enough
Ask why I think I'm stupid and inadequate
Ask why II keep harping on the past

Then you can jolly well ask yourself why you keep telling me how hardworking how good tempered how awesome how motivated how driven how self-disciplined and how great my results were in sec4.

STOP FREAKING CONTRADICTING YOURSELF

Even if I can let go, you're reminding me forever. FUCK ALL THESE SHIT

Forget it if you're asking me to change and never accepting me

look into the mirror before you decided to speak

2011-11-20T02:26:00.002+08:00

I was just thinking today, how I could be close friends with someone but then at the same time I dislike some parts of her. Does that make me a hypocrite? Or am I just friends for the sake of having friends when I need them? Like some person who makes use of the others. I don't know. Because I thought as friends we will are usually supposed to accept everything of the person simply because we decided to be their friends and remain as that. Am I superficial if I am one of those that does not like certain traits of someone yet continue being their friend? Sigh. Even the closest of the friends I might have some of these feelings too, which make me think that perhaps I'm really not a good friend.

I used to be able to fix things up, be able to stay in contact and in touch of those whom I really treat as close friends. But I don't know whether it is JC life or what but I feel that I no longer feel the need to ask my friends out and catch up and start losing friends I thought I would never lose. It's a saddening thing for me but I still can't get my lazy ass to make time for these people. Really, I might be one kind of a lousy friend sometimes. Sigh

Lazy shit

Sotong!

2011-11-19T19:19:00.002+08:00

It's 1919hrs now.
HAPPY EIGHTEENTH DEAR SOTONG DARLING!! :D

When I first got to know you, you came into the classroom as the latest I think, sitting beside me. I found it quite hard to remember your name actually! :P Then a stupid idiot came to take you away (YES STUPID JOYCE) but somehow we became friends again! Hahaha, I guess at first you were annoyed by my hyper energy and all, making Joyce go crazy with me. And of course, there's this potential crazy person inside you then eventually came out after a while. You became more crazy this year and it's actually damn fun to have all 3 of us going crazy! Hehe! Sorry for all the scoldings you get from teachers because of me talking and you stoning though! But you know you still love me a lot because I sure love you a lot too! Hehehe!

I hope that you'll eat more and eat faster and shit more! LOL. But inrease your weight please, or you can allow me to pass some to you so that I won't be scared that you will fly off with the wind! Heh, happy eighteenth! I lurb lurb you worzxz! (:

just a little unsure, seeing that it's all bleak

2011-11-19T01:39:00.003+08:00

I think that I would need to retake A Levels. No, I'm not trying to be funny, I'm not trying to make myself look lousy now so that I will look good when I get my results. No, I'm not all those. Because deep down in my heart I really have the thought and feeling that I would retake everything because my results will be a screwed up case and that I can't have anywhere that can accept me. Despite all these, I fight on. Because I would not want to regret anytime that it was because I gave up when everything was so unsure and missed out on the opportunities in front of me. But I can't keep that fighting spirit up. I feel dead tired every once in a while and I slack most of the time. But I'm still trying, I'm still fighting. It would be easy to let it all go now, but I know I would regret if I ever did that right now.

I predict tears of fear, tears of uncertainty, tears of failure will flow down my cheeks next March instead of tears and screams and hugs of joy. I can't imagine myself in the hall. I just feel like running away from all these and never ever reach next year. Just like how I can imagine one day my friends decided that they don't like my true self and decided to leave me alone. That prediction, unrealistic and crazy it may seems to others, may be very real to me. Sometimes I can even feel the helplessness and all. Vulnerable. Very.

Consistency. Security. I need them.

My mind wanders where it is not supposed to.

a world that belongs to yourself

2011-11-18T22:18:00.002+08:00

Before A Levels end, I want to go out and study on my own again. Don't ask me why, just felt that I want to do it although I dislike the feeling of being alone.

Actually sometimes I wonder why my character is so different when I'm around different people. Does that make me superficial and fake? I really don't know. But I just felt that different people bring out different personalities of mine. And I've always admire those that can be so real and so consistent everytime. I wonder if it's just me or what.
Sometimes I feel unreal. Like just staging a play and hoping for good ratings.

Sigh. Whatever. Hi econs

the many chances forgone will not be of waste

2011-11-18T01:51:00.002+08:00

I firmly believe in that. For if not, I wouldn't last till now. Always believed that better things will come along after all these little chances I had forgone. Yeah, there's not second chances I think, but perhaps there are just better ones that will suit you more in days to come. We will never know if we refuse to accept the loss of these chances and move on and better ourselves to get better opportunities present to us. No....? Whatever it is, I believe that everything will pay off for once. It will.

或许我会在很久的以后告诉你，也有可能永远不说。但我相信现在的处境是最佳的，不想要任何的变化

keep it like this and never change it

2011-11-17T02:15:00.002+08:00

Chanced upon something today and it just made me feel that I'm glad I didn't make that choice. Glad that I held on to my own principles and all. It made me realise that everything is not what you see on the surface. But I'm glad that it's like this instead of anything else and I hope that this will never change. Because I don't think I can handle anything else but this.

On a side note, econs was pretty screwed up shit. Chem was surprisingly okay but I felt that it's weird I only used up 1hr5mins for Questions 2-6. Planning was disastrous. Whatever la. I left 4 more papers! Yayeee. The happiness and freedom is coming (:

when your heart beats fast and you break into cold sweat

2011-11-15T02:10:00.001+08:00

Panic, I panicked for Physics, the very first time I felt so scared for any A Level papers I've taken so far. I felt very scared, so scared that I had to keep taking deep long breaths to calm me down. Glad that it's over, just glad. May not have been the best but I've finished every single question and planning too. Just one minute before. Just very glad that I can finish it. Though it's not that easy, it's not that difficult either. Just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

Econs, the next bane after gp. I have to do well, don't I. Come on. Work your mind off, get an A

because if I said it out, I just might believe it

2011-11-14T02:54:00.001+08:00

Truth to be told, I'm envious. Envy the freedom and not be tied down. Envy the different types and chances people have. Envy all those little albeit sad moments. Envy the thoughts that you have just thinking about yourself and not anything. Envy the sweet moments.
All I could do, is just to hope that this long wait, might turn out to allow me have the best.
Sacrifices are inevitable.

Physics is screwing up my life. I don't seem to understand it anymore. It's been long since I've stayed up so late to study physics. Just hope that I'll maintain my standard. No dropping please.

Guess I'll never say it to you. Never let you know, never have the courage to say to you. But it's alright 'cause saying it doesn't help at all.

contrary to what you believed in

2011-11-12T01:41:00.001+08:00

I screwed up math paper 2 which was supposedly the easier paper because I screwed up my stats which were supposedly my stronger topics. PandC. Joke. HypoTesting. Sigh. Whatever it is. Checked my answers, let's hope my paper1 pulls up my marks and that A grade will not be >75.

Geepee was such a screwed up case, went HUH?!?! WTH?!? After every single question and especially the summary and AQ. So a C it might be. If it is so, I will not burn my notes then, might need it for next year ._.

Chem....? Let's not talk about it. I mighhhhht be able to salvage it. Hopefully.

Irony of life

2011-11-06T20:39:00.001+08:00

I want A Levels to end now
I don't want A Levels to start

Anyway, was just thinking about after A's. I'm gonna do lots and lots of things! :D
# 6 storybooks!
# gossip girl
# big bang theory
# secret garden
# meet ups
# prom shopping
# baking
# sleep
# get addicted to some online game

And many many many more! I can't wait! Talk about prom, I shall not will not must not can not buy a black dress because it's so boring and common I don't like :/ Hope to find a nice one! :D

Okay, back to math. Gogogo!

why are you making such a difference?

2011-11-04T20:36:00.001+08:00

But you will never know.
Mind. Stop thinking about it.
Think about studies more!!

acceptance, easy to say hard to do

2011-11-03T19:47:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry for being myself. And thanks for accepting me, I'll understand the little hiccups because after so many things, you're still beside me (:

5 days. I'm really screwed.

Chem is still blur with theories
Physics untouched since Prelims
Math with no confidence
Econs with nothing in head
Gp with C in mind

AABBC. Can this put me into somewhere?

That word, please don't use it on me. I swear I dislike it

no escape to run to

2011-11-01T01:50:00.001+08:00

The words I want to tell so many people:

# I'll really miss you
# I'm scared I'll lose you
# Give me some space
# It's damn different now
# My patience has its limit
# I wanna make friends with you
# I don't wanna talk to you
# I don't want but I think I have to
# You have no idea, at all
# You need to care more

So many thoughts, all kept in. Sucky feeling

there is only this road left

2011-11-01T01:45:00.001+08:00

7 freaking days.
What. Am. I. Doing?
Should start panicking and studying more, that should be the norm. Not slacking and sleeping like nobody's business.
Consultations too. Need to study more.

FML

it is not what you have thought it was

2011-10-31T02:00:00.001+08:00

Econs is sucking all my energy. Just by reading any paragraph can just decrease my energy level from full to close to half. Yes it is that torturous to me! I don't even get it why we must study something that I don't even understand anything of it. It's just memorizing and crapping my way through. It is so annoying!

I'm not a saint. I will get annoyed with you if I'm pissed off, no matter who you are. You can't expect me to always be the good person and forgive and forget when you yourself don't do it and even tend to make a molehill out of nothing. So shut up sometimes because you are not me, you don't understand me and I don't have to be answerable to you. For I care, I do something you don't like, then too bad! You either accept that I'm that or just judge me. I don't really care now. I'm not a saint. I can't be smiley all the time and I don't wanna be too.

And freak. A Level is gonna be damn screwed if I continue sleeping and slacking like this!

slugging

2011-10-28T17:01:00.001+08:00

I'm slugging slowly towards my As
Screwed

it all builds up into this

2011-10-28T16:55:00.001+08:00

As much as I wish I could be what I want to be, I wish I could live the life the way I want, I wish I could just give it all up now and go whatever way I want, I know I can't.

Actually, maybe the only way to live the way I want, is to live the way my dad wants first. Earn lots of money, be able to support my kids (a lot!!), be able to have less worries, be not scared of any emergencies that require money. Then maybe, I can pursue my passion! Not really a bad idea you know (: And maybe, who knows, law might be my passion!

Okay, let's just study and work towards my happy life ahead. It'll be happy, hopefully! Yay! Optimism to the max, but let's hope still!

Seal your heart, seal your lips, keep the secret

2011-10-27T04:00:00.001+08:00

Many of us have secrets, obviously. Some we may have told someone, but there are still some deep secrets we have always wanted to say to someone but never did.

I like to hear secrets because it means that the person trusts you. But I dislike secrets because a person is handing a part of her/him to you, to share the burden and I'm always afraid I can't share it well, and end up ruining things. Sounds chim? Yeah, I also don't know what I'm talking already.

Sometimes I wish I could stop lying to myself, stop lying to everyone about something because my heart throbs everytime I lied about it. But that's the way I deal with it. I guess the theory that if you lie to yourself and everyone around you, it will become the truth soon enough. Though it hurts in the heart still because the heart knows the truth.

Secrets are like little fires. If you can control it, good. If you can take care of it, good. But if you let it rage out of control, it's harmful

Take my hand and run, will you?

2011-10-27T03:54:00.001+08:00

It's so late in the night and you would probably think I'm mugging my ass off for A Levels which is like 10 days away. But well, you're wrong because I'm just laying on my bed doing nothing since the past 2 hours except playing games on my phone.

It's crazy, I have no idea why I am do unmotivated and having no sense of urgency to force myself to study even though I know I must. Maybe I feel that I will not make it no matter how hard I try, I will not be where you want me to be. I feel like just retaking A's next year. Really.

Anyway, I'm suffering from MeiLeJiaYou withdrawal symptoms. Oh, I'm thinking of buying Cyndi's new album. And it can be my first album of her, of any singer. Sigh, see how first!

Screwed

Love

2011-10-25T23:32:00.001+08:00

Finished watching Mei Le Jia You. It's like one of my favourite dramas ever, not only because of Cyndi and Mike being such a cute couple but the concept behind it.

The kind of couples where there's only love in between them and nothing else. Just pure sweet passionate love for each other. The kind of love where both parties help each other to find their true selves. Where each find out one side of them which they never thought existed or thought that it will never be displayed again. The kind of love where it is so imperfect yet so perfect. Where there are both sweet and angry moments, both happy and sad moments, both crazy and peaceful moments, just everything. Where it is unique and can be truly understood and felt by the two only. And where even everyone else don't understand or go against, they still hold on and believe in their love, believe in each other. The kind of pure love, faith and trust. Soulmate, although cheesy and unrealistic, I want a love like that.

Unmotivated

2011-10-23T22:25:00.001+08:00

Sorry for not blogging these days. I updated phone so didn't have the app so I forgot to update. Heh, or kinda lazy also lah.

These four days I've been slacking like nobody's business. Watching 美乐加油 14 episodes and Fairytail 5 episodes. Don't ask me wth I'm doing. I'm seriously commit suicide instead of letting the papers attempt to kill me. Help!!!! >:(

So pissed with myself but not doing anything which further piss me off ._.

dream house

2011-10-19T23:38:00.004+08:00

Haven't been blogging for a lot of days. But if you think it's because I'm busy studying, oh well, you don't know me well. Hahaha! I'm so lazy nowadays I think it's scary myself ): And and and, I think I'm really to screw up my A Levels! ):

So these few days nothing much happen except the fact that I have watched a lot of movies online such as Green Lantern, Smurfs, Overheard1, Nim's island and 2 more which I don't know what are the titles. Oh well.

So today Joyce and I ponned gp to watch Dream House with Eugene. Epic experience.
There is this part where I jumped up cause of the sound and I wasn't really concentrating. Many girls behind screa like mad. Eugene said he's screaming in his heart ._. Joyce got scared cause she saw me jumping. LOL. Then another part Eugene was saying he want to go home. Lastly when Joyce called me to scare him, I tried then he was like, you do that again I'll kill you. LOLOL! Quite funny!
Overall nice show but predictable storyline right from the start. Oh well.

HAPPY 18TH

2011-10-15T23:27:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was a nice day. I was happily taking my Western Food back to the tables that are chosen specially so to be hidden by the trees. Then I see cupcakes and donuts and candle! Hahah, seems like my awesome classmates, Joyce, Yeeching, Eugene, Siyuh, Peiling & Jess had a surprise for me! Heh, I seriously didn't suspect anything which is surprising. LOL. Love them ttm man, and then the presents they gave me were amazingly good too, except the damn tight shirt I refuse to wear now because it's so tight though I believe after A's I will be able to wear it!
So I ate my western food, then before the math mock test, I went to have Koi, tea egg and Kueh tutu. After mock test, I went to eat taiwan sausage, takoyaki balls and something else I can't remember.

At home celebrated with ice cream cake which is super duper cute! I love it man! Though I have to finish like more than a quarter which almost killed me! :P

So today I met Jiayi and Jocelyn! Well, Jiayi was supposed to "forget" my birthday and surprise me but of course, from the little details such as Jiayi not smsing me and Jocelyn calling me to look forward to happy surprises in the day, I guessed it already lah. Hahaha, so we studied for a while before walking around to slack although we don't know what to do but oh well, day spent well with both of my bestfriends (:

Went home to Newton Circle and eat gooooooooooooooood food!

Alright, had an awesome two days with lots of fooooood! :D

Thanks for all the wishes (:

The skies are clear

2011-10-12T19:51:00.001+08:00

Your that message, though short, meant a lot (: I've never unfriended you, just waiting. And thank you, for ending the wait (:

So today has been quite a productive day. Went to airport and finished 2008 PhysicsP1&2 in about 2 hours plus. Then met Jocelyn and Jiayi, decided to go to macs. Ate and studied and did 2007 MathP1. Went home in a happy satisfied mood (:

Funny thing of today. We were chased out of our studying area because we are near the trees that needed maintenance. Like whattttt? Yeah, that's our reaction. And when Jocelyn heard the hammer, nothing much. But when she heard the electric saw, she practically want to run inside so badly. Hahah!
Oh yeah, she's scared of stapler!! Like crazy girl screaming. Hahahaha!

Anyway Jocelyn's crazy about iPhone4S about the Siri app. I think it's seriously quite cool but somewhat scary also. But oh well, even if I get it I might not even use it much. Cause I like the typing feel and can type a lot of rubbish instead of in perfect English ._.

laughter saves it all

2011-10-10T17:17:00.001+08:00

Today was a good day filled with lots of laughter. I mean, when do you get a day when you see Joyce sitting beside Junwei who was beside Eugene. It's so funny I can't help laughing like mad before assembly even started in the Audi :D

Then after gp lessons, Eugene was like exposing Joyce, saying that she prefers him to Junwei (; Had a crazy and funny talk about Eugene and Joyce together. Heh! It's really funny! Like how Joyce thinks Junwei is better than Eugene but I concluded that's even sweeter because she likes Eugene despite that :P Then Eugene was all along quite agitated for idk what reason

C: Why he so agitated one uh?
J: idk, for me I think like I mostly heck care one! If it's real then I will agitated
C: LOL

If you even get what it means. Hint: Eugene was agitated when I keep saying him and Joyce. Heh! (:

Then tortured by Joyce cause she stalked my blog and keep going Haw Par Village me. Note, yeah she keep saying Village ._. And Eugene is a frequent stalker too!! >:( Sigh...couples do things together yeah? >:)

Chem was surprisingly okay, like at least easier than our TJ paper I think!! Cause I finished all except spa planning like 1hr15mins later after the time started. Chionged cause I thought no time but not bad I guess. But planning sucks big time :/

Very very very tired now and I'm reaching home so yayeeeeee bed! :D

The little realisations

2011-10-10T00:08:00.001+08:00

I realise that actually my life not so emo one lor. But my blogs always have emo posts because I was happy till I reached home and then something will spoil my mood then I blog all the crap out ): Okay, I shall blog next time before I reach home so my blog will be filled with more happy memories (:

Oh well, and I seriously hate here now. Crap you all man, stop screwing up my life. I just dk why every time I step in here there's this feeling of dread and sian and horrible feeling coming all over me. Stop forcing me to talk when I really don't want to.

Without a care

2011-10-08T23:54:00.000+08:00

I've always wonder how do I even survive 2 hours of econs tuition without going berserk. somehow I managed every week :/

Today is such a perfect day, slacking like there's no A Levels the next month, slacking without a care for anything.

Met Weijie at 530pm at Circle Line to go to the Holland Village Carnival! Was quite excited to see and enjoy the carnival which sounded very fun! Went there to realise that it was only a stage with tent and some activities. Nothing else around. Seriously like super lame only ._.

So we decided to go around circle line. Went to one-north and it was soooooo lame 'cause nothing much is open. Then went to Haw Par Villa, which there is this Tiger Balm Garden. I just refused to walk in because it looked dark and spooky and eerie so yeah, we went back. Decided to go to somewhere more familiar like Bishan.

Remembered there's this poem thing at one station so I googled and couldn't really find. So we took the mrt to Bishan then when we reached one-north, I found out that it is at Kent Ridge which we then took one stop back. Played with the interactive board like nobody's business and it's really quite fun! :D

So finally went to Bishan. Walked around J8 and got bored so went to drink KOI. Then sat at the interchange there and just talked for like 1+hours. Talked about friends, religion and many random stupid things. I love the I have nothing to worry about later on feel! Went home at 10pm (:

Had a really worry-less night.
/added Then went home to watch Johnny English 1 and Green Lantern. Haha, slept at 3!

Happy day (:

Family drama

2011-10-08T16:22:00.001+08:00

I have a whole plethora of it.
And maybe it's really true, I've always been the reasons for almost everything. And the word sorry doesn't help anymore. There's little it can do. Some things just can't be undone.

So many words, so many thoughts. So many people around but nothing comes out.

Coward? Yeah. I think I am

Go left or right or straight

2011-10-07T21:57:00.001+08:00

Actually I really feel very pissed, as in, whatever I do, or even when I do not do anything, anyone's misery is always linked to me or is caused by me. I don't get it how every horrible feeling is always my fault. I'm so sick of you all telling me "See lah, you created this mess, clean it up yourself" like oh fuck lah, everything also my fault. I go left I go right sure someone unhappy. I really feel so damn tired of all these already ): go away ):

Emo-welmo

2011-10-06T23:44:00.001+08:00

Idk what it is but it sounds nice together. Okay, so my blog is full of emo crap. But I guess that's what blogs are for right? (:

You didn't even bother to try to give me an answer to the situation. I was bothered by it. But as time passes, the feeling numbs. Can you please do something? I'm so scared I will just give this up one day and feel nothing for it. Please.

I can't believe it's back again. I want to truly believe in it. But nope, I don't want to fall in too deeply and get hurt when you are gone again. No hopes, no disappointment (:

And yeah, for my bestest bestfriend Jocelyn :D Thank you for believing in me even when I myself don't. And being the friend I've always needed (: I really can't imagine how horrible my life will be without you (:

Need to start studying soon. Engine needs to be started.

Hopes

2011-10-06T18:41:00.001+08:00

Don't pin hopes on me. Don't trust me. It'll never turn out good. Because I'm sorry, I'm a terrible person.

Last night, I told you I wanted to just give up all. You said I was a quitter. Maybe I am. It's because I feel that me quitting could be able to end all these crap end all the miseries of everyone that I've been causing. But no, you've showed to me that I can't because everything is linked. You know what, I actually hope that I can just end my life right now and maybe everything will be better and the house will be more peaceful with successes. I'm sick of bringing the failures to home and let you all quarrel over me. I've told you I'm not worth it. I was never once.

Do my best and let you pick up the pieces. I wish I could. But no, the pieces can't fit anymore. They just can't. I only can take the risk to restart or give up. I chose giving up. But you all have shown me that I shouldn't. But I know, after last night, you all have lost some hope and respect for me. And I've lost a part of myself too.

I've given you nothing? Maybe. But I've always been trying not to go against your wishes. Isn't that enough? Seems like it's not. Don't ask me why I don't allow you to understand me. I just kinda lost hope. I'm just like this.

I should stop thinking now. I should just study hard for A's and see how it all turns out because that's the only thing I can do to salvage the little hope left. But I'm glad, glad you told me that even if I can't get into NUS or SMU, you'll still help me get somewhere in life. But yeah, I wont choose the last resort too. I'll get there somehow. I shall trust you.

It's all been me. Me, as a person, just sucks. How can you all still love and tolerate me. Beyond my understanding.
I need change
I need to start being a human

Let me go

2011-10-05T19:40:00.001+08:00

Mum called and smsed me from the start of econs lecture just to scold me about my results. Saying how I waste her money for tuition, saying how lousy my results are.

She asked
How? What are you going to do now? How to get in Law? How to answer to daddy? How to answer to your brother?
You're ruining the peace at home.

Selfishly it may seems, I don't understand why my studying is supposed to be answerable to everyone else rather than myself. Yes, they have sacrificed for me. But, ain't o supposed to be in charge of my own life? I seem to be studying because you all wanted me to and not because I want. You told me I seemed to have lost motivation to study. True, it's because it's never about my aim, my aspiration, my future, my wish, my wants, my thoughts but everyone else especially my family's. Now tell me, how can I find the drive?

You're always contradicting yourself. Telling me that you just want all As. Then you reprimanded me about having my rank in physics to drop. And say that having an A isn't a big deal if I deproved in my ranking. Wow, what a logical train of thoughts. You know what, I don't think I can improve or maintain everything everytime. I can't do it you know. And everytime you will scold me over that few subjects without looking at the overall. I'm so sick of this bloody shithole I'm fell in and never seemed to be able to get out.

I'm not a freaking robot. I obviously can't wake up when I sleep late. Why has it became a piece of evidence saying that I'm lazy and that I should stop being that. HAHAHAHAH.

My results are NEVER once satisfying ever since p6. Ask me why I don't have confidence. Yeah, ask. Like as if the answers are not obvious enough.

Don't ask me what I wanna do. Cause if I could, I wouldn't have chosen this path, I would have just choose whatever I can with my results. Whatever. Tell me what you wanna do. Isn't this always been what you want anyway?

worthy of nothing

2011-10-04T21:33:00.001+08:00

I was in a terrible state yesterday. I just felt that I am such a waste of resource. Waste of money, time, efforts and basically everything to my parents. I can never get anything up to their expectations. I've just been supplying countless and countless of disappointments. And the worse thing of all, is that I can't prove myself wrong, I just can't prove my worth.

But I was pissed. Pissed at how numbers on exam papers define me and everything is just about damn results. How you all don't care about me and just want to see As. Even improvement doesn't matter. Yes, I know the society works this way, but I just thought that perhaps home is where humanity is not so cold and distant. But you all always made it so for me.

I'm not worth your love or anything, really. And I'm sorry, sorry for wasting everything spent on me. Sorry for not being the perfect child. Sorry for not even reaching the acceptable stage. Sorry for being so worthless.

I thought I would be better today. Then I saw my GP results which made me realise that what I've said is true. I will never get an A. I will never make it even into the interview for Law faculty. I will never ever meet your expectations.

And I hate myself for this.

Uncertainties

2011-10-02T20:08:00.001+08:00

No, not Physics, not the simple formulas which allow you to find out the uncertainty or everything. Not the simple calculations you make so to reduce as much uncertainties as possible.
I mean life's.

What course you want to take? What job you want to take up next time? What type of guy you think will be your husband? What will your children's names be?

Every question. You can answer them with your plans for the future. But, I mean, it's good that you've planned and you know what you're looking for, what you want and what you really want to achieve in your entire life. But realistically, who can ever go such a smooth planned path.

I don't know what I want to be. I want to be a teacher after I retire, that's all. So I don't mind going the path of a lawyer. But who is it to say, that getting all As will land me into the abysmally low 240 seats in NUS Law Faculty? Who is it to say that I will pass all the exams and graduate with a Bachelor of Law Degree? Who is it to say that I will succeed as a lawyer next time?

I know I know. That everyone face the same problems and I should do as much as I can to gain all the securities I can and reduce all the uncertainties in life. But, what if everything just don't work out? I dislike the feeling of being so uncertain. Yes, I like adventures and surprises, but only when they're pleasant or not life ruining.

Just thinking. 5As. It's not simple. But so what if I got them? I just might not pass all the interviews. And. A for GP? I know I can never do it. Who am I lying to? Who am I to take up a place in NUS Law Faculty when I lack the intelligence to.

Just, who am I?

Caramel sweetness

2011-10-01T21:52:00.001+08:00

Caramel macchiato. With Jocelyn. Perfect day! :D Didn't study much but at least I still did some work! I seriously need to work my butt off from next week onwards so I can get what I want for A's. I need to work hard for myself and my family. Yes, 38 days, who say I won't survive. I will. I can. I must (:

The last few moments

2011-09-30T21:40:00.000+08:00

Went to have Katong Laksa and then TeoHeng with Joyce, Siyuh, Eugene and Junwei. Thought it would be awkward but it turns out to be great. Have to admit my singing still sucks but oh well, known it from day 1 I have no musical talent, forever out of tune and no rhythm. Heh. But nevertheless I had a truckload of fun! And Joyce and Junwei are perfect partners for English songs, they sang wonderfully at all the English songs.

Funny sights of the day:
- Junwei lie down on Eugene shoulders while Eugene was sitting up. Eugene even put his hands around him after we called him to. Perfect couple scene, epic max.

- Junwei looking at Joyce while singing some Chinese love song. I swear the look is the same type as the one when Eugene said "I have a new target" while looking at Joyce too. LOLOL!!

Okay, before I get killed, I shall stop here. Heh! Really enjoyed myself today (:

Constant lies

2011-09-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

I were forcefully woke up with a bad headache to help my sister with her report which she last minute asked me to help in. And you didn't even bother to call me to go eat or what but demanded that I go take a bath and come back fresh and help her. Oh wtfreak, where's the fairness? Oops, I just realise that word never existed in your world when it concerns sister. I so wanted to say fuck off to you so damn badly.

Study, good results, help everyone else to do reports. That's all you want me to do, that's all I can, I should do. Am I not a human that needs at least some sort of emotional outlets?

Feel like punching your stupid face when you say you're always fair. Comeon, stop lying.

Monday blues

2011-09-27T00:47:00.002+08:00

My day started with me waking up at 6.15 which is obviously too damn late. Then I realised I can't check for bus timing because of the F1 affecting bus routes. Then I got on the stupid bus too damn late too. Then I realised I didn't bring my damn tie. And I had to walk to school in a damn fast speed. And Mr Ng had to give us our damn papers early the morning. And I failed.
Okay, too much damn already
Just thank god didn't really get checked for uniform. Felt bad I didn't admit I didn't bring tie, but seriously, who will do it. Heh (:

Okay. Gp was a waste of time despite the funny moments when going through the paper. "Humanity is cold to those whose eyes see the world differently" and Zhenwei said "colourblind" LOL! And he was arguing the point that this question cannot be done because everyone is different so everyone sees the world differently so it's normal and how can humanity be cold?" EPIC

Physics was slightly uplifting cause thank god I passed when I thought I would fail paper 2. Phew. Math was like magic, seriously weird and amazing. Hmm.

So we got stuck in school till 1230 when we were released at 1050. Waste time until I speechless ):

Last minute change of plans from Borders to Kbox. Joyce and I ran out of stamina halfway through and we just kept pushing the mic to each other and we go high at the retarded songs like Love Song by Taylor Swift. I mean, it's only us right? LOL. And the embarrassing thing happened when we thought that we paid already and so nobody will come into the room. And Joyce decided to start jumping on the sofa, trying to get me up when the door opened with the guy coming in with the receipt. We were both shocked though she's the embarrassment. HAHAHA. The funniest thing is that the guy didn't even look the slightest bit of shock at all. Heh!

Talk about funny, Joyce kind of confessed her "love" for Junwei wor!
J: Eh, look out for confessions during prom
C: What?! Who will confess?!
J: A lot people one! Really
C: Okay. I will tell you if Junwei ....
J: NO OMG -hits C-
C: Wth? I didn't even say anything. You jealous uh!
J: YALAH YALAH

Gone with the wind

2011-09-26T00:57:00.001+08:00

You're gonna forget all the moments we shared, the promises you made, and the special bond we had.
I don't blame you.
I'm just...Idk, feeling a lil sour, a lil lost, a lil confused because you gave no warning.
What can I do?
What should I do?
What do I mean to you now?
All the questions, in my head, unanswered.

Wish you would know that little things mean more than anything else. The casual promises, are not just words.

you just have to do that

2011-09-25T13:42:00.002+08:00

To dash all my hopes
To not let me hope for a moment
To ruin every single mood of mine
Ugh, I'm so sick of this knowing everything before

nothing

2011-09-24T22:18:00.002+08:00

I have been slacking for the entire day and I'm very very happy! The day only consists of helping to prepare all the baibai stuff because I haven't been helping recently due to studying so my mum said I better help while I can. But throughout all the preparing I still can watch Ipman1&2! It's so good! I love all the action movies and especially when it is Donnie Yen! I love the intense fighting and all. Sometimes I really wonder if I am a girl but oh well, just a girl who love action movie I guess. Hehe!

I love slacking like there's no plans ahead. The just doing things for the present and not thing or plan for anything for the near future. Haha, I'm slacking as if A Levels are not coming, so I better start mugging for A Levels after this weekend. Hopefully I keep to my words because it is only a few more days to A's! Don't make myself feel the scared and anxious like I did during Prelims cause I did not study much. So yup, Cheryl Jiayou jiayou!

Oh oh, I feel like going out to slack. Not to do anything, not to have any activities or plans. Just go out to do whatever we feel like doing that moment. I will want to have such outing after A Levels since everyone is mugging now. But only if I can find work and have some money so I will not be restrained by the money I have too. Haha, just saying (:

Smurf-ly cute and happy

2011-09-23T04:02:00.000+08:00

500th post!!
And yay, Prelims are over.

Went to AMK Hub with Jiahui to watch Smurfs. The movie is smurf-ly cute and awesome and funny! The little blue creatures are so cute! And that the actors are really not bad (: Not to forget a little touching with all the sweet theories and tear-inducing moments. Yes, I cried. Not surprising though. La la la lalala~ sing a happy song ♪( ´▽｀)

Then we ate, obviously. And we ate the snow dessert!! Ages since I've eaten it. Seriously good and it gives me the blissful feeling. Minus the coldness though. Hehe (:

Shopped at Rubi cause halfprice for second pair of shoes. But weirdly the shoes make our legs look stumpy and weird so left without new shoes ): Then shopped at Amk Central after walking finish the Hub. And ironically, we bought things and shop longer at the central. Heh. I bought tees, as usual. But enough to make me happy (:

Went home to have a long long long sleep! Woke up to dinner then watch a lil bit of 3 idiots. Then wnt to Newton Circle with siblings, aunt and mum to have supper. Omg, the food there is so so so much better than bedok85 and we ate so so so much! Feeling super full and happy! (:

Just finished watching 3 idiots with brother. Laughed a lot and cried a bit. It's seriously a damn good movie. Intellectual, funny, comical, touching, showing the strength of friendship and almost everything about life. Amazed at how they can just put all these into 2hours40+mins. And not to forget the songs. I actually love them (:

Imma going to slack the whole weekend away. Heehee. Good mornight world (:

Crazy Stupid Love

2011-09-22T22:37:00.001+08:00

Met Jocelyn at NEX to watch Crazy stupid love. Have been wanting to watch it so badly. Though we were freezing in the cinema, the movie was indescribably amazing. I could actually laugh my head off while crying. And I cried a lot. The movie made me believe in love again, like the magic of love and everything. The theory about soulmate, I've always believed in it. Yes, might be to idealistic, but I can't not believe in such a theory. Though the reality might have shown otherwise, I choose to believe that one day, I will find the right one, the perfect one that comes at the right perfect timing and is my soulmate. It's not that bad to dream isn't it? (:

Okay, then we went to PayaLebar Coffeebean to study but we got bored and slackish and decided that we shall not study. Went to Aljunied park, played swing, took photos and talked about so many things on the way. Told her about the Gorkhas near my house and she's super amused at it, haha! (: Slacked around and then after a while she went home.

Beautiful day it is (:

And I realised I actually kind of like dresses, just maybe not the wearing. Because I've always felt short hair wear not as nice. Oh well, hair grow faster for prom!! (:

Impromptu

2011-09-21T21:41:00.000+08:00

Spontaneous outing to watch movie. Wanted to watch My Kingdom but Eugene preferred Contagion and I lost to him while playing scissors paper stone. Lol!

We bought KOI and BugisStreet Bread in to watch the movie. It was quite a nice movie with proper start and proper end which is what many similar films are lacking of now. And it has a good ending, so pretty happy about it though there are some parts which are quite gross and we totally had no appetite to eat our food. It wasn't a very awesome movie but it was truthfully not bad I guess. And and and! It was freeeeeeeezing cold

Always love impromptu outings like this (:

Oh, Physics paper 1 sucks. Never a worse paper 1 man

Malfunctioning brain

2011-09-21T05:04:00.001+08:00

My brain apparently choose to forget what I spent 2 hours studying for econs so the last 10 minutes were spent stoning because I have no idea what to write. Awesome! Whatever it is, I gave up hope on it to pass man.

And here I am. Bright awake at this time cause I had a 5h+ nap! And funny thing is my mum actually asked me why am I not studying tonight just now while I'm sleeping. Guess what my answer is. "Tomorrow okay one lah, don't worry lah" and my mum was shocked. LOL. I'm so lazy to even study in my sleep, weird me. Okay, gonna eat breakfast and start studying soon! (:

I hope I hope I hope so badly my Physics will be okay

Anyway on a side note, I don't get it why people comment so badly about Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber's relationship. I mean, so what if you're either one of their fans, you don't get to own them. And you can't deny them of love just because you think they're too young to think of the future. As in, who says understanding love and falling in love has an age restriction to it. And it's people's personal lives afterall, who are you to judge since you're not them or even close to them. Oh well, just thinking, but I think they look kind of cute anyway. Not many celebrities couples last so it's cute seeing them still together! (:

I need you

2011-09-20T11:36:00.001+08:00

Econs essay. Totally unprepared. Totally freaking out. Totally stupid of me not studying earlier. Totally regretting. Totally scared

I really really really really want to pass econs so so so so badly. But if I didn't put in the efforts, what can I expect right? But I really want to get a pass without moderation. Okay shut it. Stop being so whiny

Go there. Face it. Do it. Finish it.
Whatever results I get is correlated to my studying. So. Don't expect!

Drop it all

2011-09-20T00:59:00.001+08:00

When the expectations of these 4 letters are gone, life seems to be easier. It seems to be happier. There's no burden for us both with just these 4 letters dropped. I would rather this than that of when the expectations of the 4 letters burden us and weigh us down till we started to escape from them.

I love now.
Life is not great, but good for survival still (:

And Jocelyn Yow I suddenly want to declare my love for you. Heheheh! Thanks for sticking by me when everything was falling apart and encouraging me to study though we were both dying. And all the meetups, I really do miss you. This feels like O Levels time just without having you by my side everyday physically, but with all the smses and weekend meetups, I feel as if we are going through this together again (: You're seriously one of the best gifts I have in my life. Too lucky to have known you and beyond miracle that you're my bestfriend.

Present

2011-09-19T17:12:00.001+08:00

Math was hard. But maybe slightly better than paper 1. Not very sure though but at least the whole of math is over now.

Should be studying econs. Because I think I have hope of passing paper 1. But I'm feeling soooooooo lazy I'm lying on my bed refusing to move. Ugh. I need to go study like RIGHT NOW if not I'm really gonna fail this shit again which I really don't want to.

I'd prefer now actually. Because there is less awkwardness, less troubles, less conflicts and more smiles. But it's going a little too courteous. Oh well, I can't have the best of both world can't I? I can only accept the situation now, and I shall do so happily (:

Math

2011-09-18T22:28:00.001+08:00

Have I mentioned how badly I screwed my paper 1 and how badly I think I will screw paper 2 tomorrow especially it is stats and afterall I failed my stats section in JCTs
I'm scared actually.

And I find it funny sometimes. How some chuck of words I type can be applied to different people in my life. How I wish I have the courage to tell them how I actually felt

no longer

2011-09-18T12:43:00.001+08:00

You shouldn't have asked. I shouldn't have answered. The magic of our stupidity has been used up already. It's okay, just let it break now. Now better than later. Thank you for the times while the magic lasted. I really enjoyed those moments (:

Now we are both happier, with more laughter and less troubles. Isn't it better like this? I choose to think yes.

the dream

2011-09-18T02:19:00.002+08:00

I miss you. I miss us spending time together. I just miss us. I want to say that to so many people who were once in my life having an important role. If only I have time to catch up with them now. I will. After A's I'm really gonna catch up with them badly. Just hoping, that friendship doesn't fade. Fingers crossed.

Never

2011-09-17T21:56:00.003+08:00

People always tell me it's gonna be different, I have to have faith, I need to believe again. But the damn truth is, it isn't and it never is. So many times have proved me wrong. So many times. How am I supposed to believe again? I can't allow myself to be so stupid. Every single one has cracks, maybe it made it stronger. But some, they just crack and never got back.
That's life

3.5 months ago, it was perfect. But I knew it should never be so smooth sailing. And I'm right

Things you do

2011-09-16T18:42:00.002+08:00

Being a girl sucks sometimes, especially when you have cramps and headache and feel feverish and you still have to go for your exams. Yes. It all has to fall on damn Physics paper. Not very well done but at least so much better. Got to slack and rest before studying. One week is already so torturous. I can't imagine what will happen during the real A's itself. Sigh. Feeling lazy and weak and sian. Dropped my phone on the floor yesterday on the way home. Hand just suddenly lost grip on my phone. The no energy kind. Sigh. It's kinda scary to see that your hand don't even have the pathetic strength to hold up your phone.

I'm gonna stop trying to convince otherwise.
I'm gonna believe the evidence presented in front of me.
The truth is, I pretty much didn't mean anything to you.
Maybe even less than her.
Or you just didn't have room for me.
I'm not going to fight for a spot already.
I'll just let things be.
If you're okay with it.
Then I'll be.

Blanks

2011-09-15T00:31:00.002+08:00

Pretty lot of them on chem paper 2
Econs csq was well, okay I thought. But then again, everytime seems to be okay for me. Haha!
Math paper 1 tomorrow. I think I will do badly. Sad.
I want a break, a breather

The feeling of drowning myself with tea and coffee to stay awake. But end up being like a lifeless zombie walking around without a brain. Feeling so damn awake but so brain dead. I'm experiencing it almost everyday recently. The feeling sucks 'cause it just feels so purposeless. But in a way, it's kind of good because the empty feeling. The not thinking and everything is as it seems, is rather a good escapism from the complicated life I'm having.

On a side note, I think I will get a B for Physics. Not kidding.
And maybe a C for math. No confidence, no practice will lead to no results.

My eyes are closing. But I'm staring at Calculus, trying to understand

Physics passion

2011-09-13T03:21:00.002+08:00

Where are you?
15 marks blank out of 60 marks. Plus careless and all. About more than 20 marks gone. What is happening to my marks! I have no idea ): It sucks ): ): ): I've never feel sooooooo lousy before. Not even during promos. Oh freak it. I hate Physics paper after gp. Seriously think there's some relationship ): Oh freakkkkkk. Studyyyyyyy more for paper 3 and 1. Crap.

Lucky 3

2011-09-09T01:37:00.002+08:00

Hi there. 3 more days. Not prepared for ANY subject. Damn damn damn screwed

Studied with Juliana and Jocelyn. Talked about so many things, thought of scenarios and how we will react to. Set me thinking. Maybe I'm not that sentimental anymore because I learnt that sometimes, you have to make hard decisions, but you just have to. The feeling and aftermath may suck, but if you believe it's the best decision with the best outcome. Then just go for it. Yes, believe in yourself, it's important for everything. Everything.

I will keep reminding myself about the market scenario. How he stood up for me. How he confronted the PM. How he tried to fight for me. I know. I must. I cannot disappoint him anymore. A second chance, a last chance to make it all right. I really have to do well. To show the rest, I've made it there. And to make him proud. 18 years of love, I will repay little by little. 2 months, compared to these 18 years, really is nothing. I want to see him show off, smiling and beaming with happiness. I want them to all hold their heads high. I don't want another round of sighings and complainings. Just no more. There's my last chance. Gonna use it well.

All my life is disappointments. Time to perform. Yes.

Suicidal

2011-09-06T20:33:00.001+08:00

5 days left and I'm still not bucking up and studying my ass off. Wtfreak am I doing
? Seriously! I'm so pissed with myself ):
Wasted yesterday with like 1 Chem paper2? And wow, I did 1 set of chempapers for past 2 days. Seriously. I feel like punching myself. Today's Math tuition was a disaster, didn't know that I know so little and seeing that I can't do questions or just do wrongly scares me a lot. How am I going to do well for exams?
I need to understand that I can't be lucky for every exam. Papers coming out topics I'm good in and few in those I'm not good in. I need to snap out of my little fantasy!!
Come one Cheryl!! Can't you just persevere for this freaking 3 months more and you'll see freedom! What the heck are you doing to your own life and family's hopes. You will dash so many people's hopes! Just freaking wake up lah!!!!!!!

state of denial

2011-09-05T23:58:00.002+08:00

I'm not slacking
I'm studying
I'm not caring
I'm not waiting
I'm not hoping

Nowhere

2011-09-04T23:03:00.002+08:00

It's end of Sunday soon. 7 days left and I know I'm still not motivated enough to study much more. So I can pretty much think that I'm screwing up my Prelims. I have no idea what's with me. No motivation, no sense of urgency, no studying. I need to buck up and force myself to study more. Lack of self discipline. Damn ):

History is repeating. I think. And this time, I'm not gonna be so stupid to hold on anymore, I will learn to let go. I must. Because holding on blindly leads me to nowhere especially when you're not giving me any reason to hold on, not giving me some direction. I will get tired somehow. But meanwhile, I'll see how is it turning out. I'll still wait and hope

smiles like suns

2011-09-01T22:06:00.002+08:00

Tuesday met up with Jocelyn in the morning to study at Singpost! Saw Weijie studying at the same macs. Went to coffeebean 'cause it was getting too crowded at macs. I love sitting at outdoor because the lighting is just so perfect and I kind of don't really like aircon. So yup, I had a really great time with Jocelyn though I didn't study much :/ And Jocelyn gave me my very belated birthday presents which I really really really love them to the very max! :D Went for Math tuition after that and got killed by Integration, Area and Volume.

Wednesday had Chem extra lesson which is sort of a waste of time ): Stayed back in school to study. Was quite productive at first but towards the end I got really bored and so end up I just slacked a lot. But I love the feeling of studying in school because I get the very hardworking studious feel for idk what reason. And I have to admit I like camwhoring especially when I'm bored. Teehee!

Today went back for Staff Day Celebration which is quite nice I think! It's really interesting and funny! I love the Chinese Orchestra performance the most! It was such a cheery jumpy happy piece and the conductor is really happy looking so I got this very happy relaxed feeling after watching! Awesome (: Studied with councillors in the library, laughed like mad during some moments and here I am. Trying to study econs. Really. I must get a decent grade for econs this time! (:

Jiayou! 10 more days. I feel kinddddddd of dead though!

I never understood

2011-08-29T16:05:00.003+08:00

You are much worse that just a simple bastard or asshole can use to describe. Ugh! I seriously hate you to the very max. I don't know how you can seriously hurt her so badly from the start till the end. Not even including those things you've hid from her. Idk whether you're doing more harm than good or what actually. You kind of made me lost the very slight respect I have for you. You're just a selfish gross bastard that make use of everyone as your pawn. Damn you

If you need me

2011-08-29T01:56:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I really do question my existence itself. Why do I exist for? Why do I come to this world for? Will there be any difference if I'm not a part of the world? Will anyone be affected if I don't exist? And why do the answers I gave myself are telling me that my existence worth almost nothing?
Not being emo, just thinking.
Daddy says I'm stork's gift, I refuse to think about the story. Because I know I will never understand in the way you meant and I will think of it in another way. So I shall act like an idiot, never thinking never understanding it. Yup.

I can't believe you would say that two words, making me feel that I were just there when you needed someone. But now, you have no need for me anymore, and I just fade into just an acquaintance. You've broken your promises time after time, and yet I still stand up for you if anyone talked bad about you. I still believe that you're not the someone everyone else have been complaining about. I still trust you. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I don't believe I'm that dumb. I'm still believing in you, hoping that it's the circumstances now that made you so and one day it'll be back to normal. Don't make me regret this trust.

who's going to lead?

2011-08-28T00:18:00.002+08:00

While they are counting votes, I shall sleep cause I think there's a recount and my eyes are closing badly. While I like TanChengBock better, I just hope the best candidate will win and lead Singapore to greater heights (: Realised that this year has been indeed eventful for Singapre uh. Maybe I should make use to get statistics for GP? (; If I'm not lazy, that is.
Thank you President SR Nathan, for the 12 years you've been serving Singapore. And it's been lucky for me to have you through this 12 years of education ( I've seen your portrait in my school halls throughout )

fading into nothingness

2011-08-25T23:32:00.000+08:00

It's fading to just a word, with no meaning. Never want to let go, but if you had, I will. If only I have the courage to let go first, but giving up is never easy though you seem to do it effortlessly. I will not hold on to nothing for nothing. I will not allow myself to be dumb all over again.

Caramel macchiato!

2011-08-25T22:18:00.002+08:00

I love it! Especially the hot version in McCafe. It's like got the blissful happiness feeling after drinking it (:

Studied with Joyce today at McDonald's at Tampines Interchange (: Was super productive until we started talking about horror movies and lame shit that I can't remember. Gosh. We seriously need to stop talking so much crap uh! And I haven't finish my vectors though I finished lines. Planes just sucks :/

Feeling tired. As usual. Shall try to sleep early! :D

I wish to believe in 11.11

2011-08-24T23:19:00.002+08:00

I wish that you would care a little more so that I won't feel that I should care less about you. I sincerely feel that our friendship is fading away and I don't like it. But somehow to you, you don't seem to care. It seems that our friendship to you is worthless.

Super tired nowadays, not feeling like my normal self. I feel weirdly tired and unhappy and always worrying ): Okay, stop whining and stop blogging, shall go do my work. Yes yes, do tutorials! :D

tire it out

2011-08-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

I'm back here, but not with emo posts like Siyuh said I've been posting. I think they are not emo, just full of my crappish thoughts. Maybe it's always like that, I'm supposed to be study but felt bred and start to think about useless stuff and then blog. That's why before exams I always update my blog frequently. Sigh, I'm such a good time waster, I should be studying now but I feel so sleepy so I think I should defy the expectations of me and allow my mum to do facial for me and go sleep. Yup, I should.

if anyone asked

2011-08-23T21:32:00.004+08:00

Bought chocs and apples for Mr Lim! Super hard to find present for him, but I doubt he uses what we give him anyway so might as well just buy food! :D :D
Oh, did I mention that Royston Tan came to TJ last Wednesday? It was quite cool because didn't really understand the videos but after his brief explanation, I realise that clips are just full of hidden meaning and not just superficial images in some order. I guess that's life too.

Sigh. Imagine walking with your friend, supposedly your close friend but somehow doesn't really seem like one now. You're not awkward with each other, but you are just not close with each other anymore. You don't know if you should be happy because you're still friends or sad that you're not close friends. It's just this nagging feeling in my heart. There just isn't any topics to talk about, to share. And I just wonder, is it because we changed. Our thinking, our life, our way of dealing things and ourselves. Somehow, we don't understand each other now. Somehow, we are totally different to the extent we can't accept now. Or maybe somehow, we just grew apart.
I don't know the reason, and I wished you could tell me. At least I would stop guessing. And the worse thing is, you didn't tell me that something is wrong or weird and I have to feel and find out otherwise. Don't I deserve the little knowledge, that at least you are having second thoughts about this friendship?
Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice that day
Because everything has been going downhill

hand in hand, let's walk together

2011-08-21T19:27:00.003+08:00

Do you know the feeling? When you see a place, or walk past it, you immediately think of what happened before, who was there with you before. And then you reminise about the past, smiling to yourself about the good times. And yet, after that comes the realisation that you will never walk down the same road with that someone again. All you had, was memories and no future plans to hold on to.
The heart sinking feeling just sucks :/

Who's the jury?

2011-08-21T01:29:00.002+08:00

As much as I hate to be judged, I realise I judge people too. Does that make me a hypocrite? Most probably. How I wish, I could stop judging people because nobody will know what someone went through in their lives, nobody will fully understand how someone thinks, and nobody will understand how someone feels actually. So nobody should have the right to judge. But we all do, who doesn't?
I guess I have to judge less. Yes I should

Expectation kills

2011-08-20T23:34:00.003+08:00

Was just thinking, expectation does kill, does ruin life's pretty things.

It's not just an individual expectation, but rather a society's expecation. No doubt, everyone will despise a parent who can't take care of a child, a teacher who can't teach, a child who is unfilial. Why would they do so? It is because there are expectations to every single job, every single role that is played. And once you did not hit the expectation, people will be disappointed. How can one says that he/she no longer has expectations for anyone.

Funny isn't it? We fall out with people because they are not acting according to our expectations of them. For example, you expect your close friend to be always there for you, and once they are not, a little part of you inside dies. But what if your friend is just an acquaintance? The disappointment you have, will not been so great because you expected lesser from him/her. So instead of appreciating things sometimes, we are more of disappointed; expectations just have to kill.

Actually there's no meaning to this post. Was just thinking about expectations. Sigh, I must really have nothing better to do/think :/

enough is enough

2011-08-20T01:41:00.003+08:00

I said I would help, to edit the report. It's not when she left it blank and expect me to go research and then write it out for her. This is not called editing, this is like calling me to freaking do the freaking report for her. And I don't even know what the heck this shit is about and I have to spend time understanding this shit and help her edit already. What more do you want? Seriously! And fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck lah, can you stop saying that I am slacking and in the meantime keep saying I'm goddamn selfish to not want to help my sister. You are fucking contracting yourself and stop fucking scolding me because this isn't my freaking problem that she wants to do it so last minute just on the basis she don't know how to do. So I don't know how to study, then it can be an excuse I can't score for my exams? Like seriously, stop it, just stop it. So what my English is better? I have to fucking help her do her fucking work which is 35% of her module and no one is helping me with 100% of A levels and my future. All you know is to demand more from me. FUCK LAH. If given your theory, might as well call Daddy to do some shit for her since Daddy's English is way way way beyond mine and he is like non stop slacking and watching tv and not even doing anything right?

I don't even get it why I'm getting scolded for every single shit I am doing. I study and do my tutorials hence not finding enough time to help her, you said it was because I go take a nap and waste time that's why but did you realise how tired I am? You expect me to wake up at like 5.50 am and when I sleep at 12.30 am, you said I am sleeping too early. So 5 hours, you expect me to survive and then be able to do my work at a fast pace. Just what more you think I am? I'm really only human! If I don't study, you scold. If I study at a slow pace, you scold. WHAT THE FUCK! Why make studying more hated now?

PS. Sorry for the vulgarities anyway.

Overheard

2011-08-19T21:15:00.004+08:00

Spontaneous movie with Joyce. Overheard2, got her Daniel Wu and my 古天乐! So both of us are happy (: And I have to say that the plot of the movie is really different and not those that are expected and no surprise kind. The movie was good (: And we saw so many different movies' trailers which make me feel like watching all of them. But I knew this will happen, as usual. The good movies will come out when we are having major exams and will just finish before we end ):

Oh well. Night study yesterday was quite productive. I love night studying in school actually because it is so productive (: Pe nowadays is BORING ):